Overcome Self-Sabotage For Good
Welcome back to my blog, babe! Today, I want to dive a little deeper into what self-sabotage is and how you can overcome those tendencies and patterns for good.
You see, highly ambitious females are sooo prone to self-sabotage due to their perfectionistic tendencies, high AF expectations and their endless ambition to achieve. I used to be one of them, too — and I still consider myself highly ambitious to this very day, it just feels different as I move differently.
There is no more pressure to prove myself or perform a certain way. No more need to impress or achieve. I coach and create, I follow my passion because it’s also my purpose.
That’s why I made it my personal mission to help you overcome your old patterns — because it’s quality of life to be mentally + emotionally free, trust me.
As women in modern day society, we are being taught from a young age to play small, to not want too much, to create an external image that we are flawless and *perfect* (whatever that means I practice, lol), to live in order to serve others first… I could go on and on for daysssss.
But the truth is, we are so beyond powerful and literally can achieve anything we set our minds to — if we manage to tap into our limitless power and uncover our true potential. What’s holding us back are most often limiting beliefs and sabotaging patterns we have adopted early on in our childhoods.
There are numerous different ways to self-sabotage, and the good news is; with the right tools + guidance, we are able to identify and overcome all of them. Ready? Now, let’s dive into what your self-sabotaging habits might look like first…
Have you ever caught yourself talking yourself down, declining compliments, playing small, valuing others’ opinions above your own, letting perfectionism hold you back from taking massive action, procrastinating on what matters most to you because you are afraid of failure, or of success…?
In short - do you tend to sabotage yourself, your happiness and fulfillment in life?
If the answer is a YES, then let’s dive deeper and find out how & why you are holding onto these old patterns.
Have you heard of the term self-sabotage, and thought to yourself “How am I engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors? What exactly does self-sabotage even look like, specifically?”
Self-sabotage is a term that you hear quite A LOT in the self-development space, because it is a super common pattern. In my experience, I have seen that particularly high-achievers are more likely to engage in self-sabotaging behaviors and habits at some point in their lives.
Seems counterintuitive, right?
Let me explain: High achievers work with great passion and desire to get what they desire in life. Behaviors and habits such as overworking, procrastination due to perfectionism, or engaging in negative self-talk all seem to serve them in the short term, and end up causing immense damage in the long term. They come with a very high opportunity cost.
As a high-achiever myself, I know what it feels like to be stuck in a toxic cycle of constantly pushing yourself to ‚do better‘, ‚work harder‘, ‚achieve more‘ and as a result, neglect your self-care and well-being. I know what it feels like to wake up feeling overwhelmed, anxious and stressed because there is so much to do, but only so little time.
Showing up for other people or certain tasks before having taken care of your own needs will make you feel exhausted. The solution is that we need to fill our own cups first, so we can pour into others!
Now, I want you to ask yourself, in what ways are you self sabotaging your success and your life?
Let’s dive into some common ways of self-sabotage to help you identify if you are self-sabotaging + learn how to overcome these habits & behaviors:
Overworking is a symptom of a deeply rooted underlying belief that you have to overcompensate for something you perceive as lacking in you. This belief that you are not good enough in one or multiple areas in your life, often challenges you, and you channel your efforts, energy and time to prove your worth in different area(s) of your life through extreme hard work to gain recognition, validation, praise, approval and/or love. Overworking, unfortunately, is a manifestation of low self-esteem, and oftentimes a behavior that has its beginnings in childhood where you probably get recognition and love that you needed as a child or had to work to prove yourself and to get what you needed and wanted very early in life.
Perfectionism is a typical rabbit hole a lotta over-achieving females fall into. As perfectionists, you work with an underlying belief that nothing you do is initially good enough. This coupled with the perception that only when you achieve that “perfect outcome”- which is a product of countless cycles of tweaking and reiteration - you believe that others will appreciate what you did. The point of you considering ‘good enough’ usually never comes, or is very hard for yourself to achieve, leading to disappointment because you are setting yourself up for experiencing low self-esteem with which comes a myriad other problems.
Procrastination is oftentimes a over-achiever behavior where you wait until you ‘feel ready’ or ‘the time is right’ to do something you have been wanting or meaning to do for a long time. The subconscious desire that highlights this behavior is oftentimes perfectionism. You do not participate in any action-taking part of the behavior that results in a desired outcome because you think you don't have what it takes yet - this may be skills, knowledge or even the ability to handle the success that could come with it. You wait until you ‘feel ready’ or the ‘circumstances align’ which usually never happens because such perfect situations don't exist.
Overeating is another form of self-sabotage. You cope with feeling stressed, bored or empty on the inside by overindulging in food. A simmering mental or emotional issue, feelings of inadequacy, lack of self-love and faltering self-worth all fuel an inner desire to feel fulfilled. You compensate for your lack of empowered action to address a more deep rooted issue with more superficial actions such as overeating that exacerbate your current situations, and sometimes create new issues.
Being busy is a buzz-word. Keeping yourself busy doing things instead of creating movement and traction in areas of your life that will help you move closer to your goals is what self-sabotage looks like for most people on an everyday basis. Staying busy to feel like you are doing things - even when those things don't get you the desired output or progress, distances you further away from your goals. Success and progress require un-busy time where you are able to deliberate, pause and reflect. Oftentimes, pushing away important tasks is you acting on your underlying belief and fear that the bigger, more important tasks are “too hard” for you to complete. This only makes the belief real because you never get a chance to attempt the important stuff!
Lack of the ability to clearly communicate boundaries is another big one when it comes to self-sabotage. A key factor in engaging and staying in healthy relationships is recognizing and communicating our boundaries. Relationships and how we manage their dynamics contribute immensely to our physical, mental and emotional health and well-being.
Not being assertive to communicate boundary violations or hesitating to set boundaries is a reflection of insecurity. Absence of boundaries can usually be rooted down to a deep sense of insecurity, fear of abandonment, and lack of self-esteem. The flip side of the self-sabotage coin when talking of interpersonal dynamics are toxic relationships. Relationships that are sustained by heavy push-pull dynamics where one person initiates fights because they feel like harmony in relationships is boring - creates a toxic environment for a relationship to thrive. Nearly all relational dynamics can be traced back to unhealed childhood encounters of witnessing or experiencing physical, mental and emotional abuse, or lack of boundaries in relationships that are inherently turbulent. Holding onto, staying in or contributing to relationships that are emotionally, physically or mentally draining because we’d rather not be alone is like riding on a one-way road to sabotaging your life.
Finally, the most common AND most toxic self-sabotaging habit and behavior is negative self-talk. Living your day-to-day life with the underlying belief that you are inherently unworthy is a self-fulling prophecy. You show how you SHOULD be treated by how you treat yourself. Self-respect begets respect.
Now, what is your need to over-achieve costing you? What is your people-pleasing tendency costing you? What is your inability to set boundaries and say no to others costing you?
For nearly self-sabotaging action or behavior the root causes are:
Lack of self-connection and self-esteem
Disempowering self-talk, a negative self-image
(Perceived) lack of validation, love and recognition as a child
While reading this, did you identify with one or more of the self-sabotaging behaviors? What can you do to overcome self-sabotaging, and move to overflow and abundance?
The first step is becoming aware of them. Which of the self-sabotaging behaviors did you identify with or recognize? Boldly engage in self-reflection, inquiry and radical honesty because these help create the foundation for the life you want
Understanding where these patterns of self-sabotage stem from, and finding the root cause which perhaps may be in your childhood can arm you with valuable information about your own perceptions, and your perceived actions or inactions. You can work our way out of these self-sabotaging behaviors if you have the courage to look at our childhoods and heal our own trauma.
Nurturing positive, supportive relationships and establishing healthy boundaries can expedite your path to a life with overflow and abundance. This happens when you are able to learn to say no without guilt, and support other people’s growth while valuing your own limited time and energy.
And most importantly, how you shift your relationship with yourself helps you move past self-sabotage and create more empowering outcomes in your life. That comes with establishing a strong sense of self-connection and self-worth, and building trust with your subconscious by following your own word and not letting yourself down. Creating personal policies aka “I am the kind of person who invests her time consciously into what supports her highest growth”, and empowering self-talk if practiced over time, truly shifts how you see yourself. In time, you’ll see how you see life differently and how differently life treats you.
Do you want to learn more about how you can overcome your self-sabotaging habits and behaviors and get step-by-step support by integrating new, positive and motivating behaviors?
My group coaching program Free Abundant Self teaches you all of this, and so much more. Inside of Free Abundant Self, I guide you towards manifesting your #1 goal in 6 week’s time. This includes overcoming self-sabotage so that you get to embody that version of yourself that lives in a state of true alignment with her core Self, so that more abundance, fulfillment and aligned opportunities can enter your life.
Your Mentor,
Laura xx